Planet Mud
by jakisbishlygay
Summary: SLASH: Note to self: too much coffee. Do I have anymore chocolate? After the heroic battle with the Mud Puddle From Hell, tired, undefeated, and kinda muddy, we moved forward on our battle to trade things and do that “hey, you fight the Wraith, we fight
1. Planet Mud

Title: Planet Mud Author: Jakisbishlygay Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis Rating: R-ish Word Count: 2062 Pairing: John/Rodney/Carson (sort of)  
Spoilers for: nothing at all Warnings: This is crack!fic. More importantly, this is SLASH crack!fic. Summary: Note to self: too much coffee. Do I have anymore chocolate//After the heroic battle with the Mud Puddle From Hell, tired, undefeated, and kinda muddy, we moved forward on our battle to trade things and do that "hey, you fight the Wraith, we fight the Wraith, we should make an alliance" speech.

This is all McKay's POV

/It was a dark and stormy night. /

Oh Jesus Rodney! It's just a mission report, not a novel written by Snoopy.

/Upon arrival on PX-666, the devil appeared and granted us each three wishes./

What the fuck was that? John would like that, but Elizabeth would sure as hell, no pun intended, won't. Oh come on! Dr. Rodney McKay, genius, astrophysicist, WRITE THE DAMN MISSION REPORT!

/PX- 420 is a wonderful planet. Its planetary orbit and distance from its binary sun's makes it a nice place for a vacation. Need some water? We got rain! Tired of that damn temperature where you are perfectly comfortable? We have freezing cold snow when it's not raining, so go grab your sleds kiddies! Do you ever feel like the ground you walk on is too hard? Come on over to planet mud! We just can't get rid of it! Cold caves with creepy phallic art? You won't believe your eyes//

Rodney, I, am a smart man, thus I should know that writing a vacation brochure to planet hell would get me killed by many Marines who were dumb enough to go there...

Come on McKay, get a hold of your thoughts and stop thinking in run on sentences! Coffee, yes! Coffee is what I need! Yummy… that's it, good coffee, work your way into my brain and take over my precious. Why am I Gollum all of a sudden?

Kay, we need a new strategy McKay. Don't worry about the intro, no one reads them anyway. Just focus on the major events that happened.

/Approximately fifteen meters from the 'Gate, Ronon lost his footing and fell flat on his face into the mud. There was a loud 'thud' that erupted from him. While trying not to laugh hysterically, or at least trying not to show his laughter, our heroic Colonel attempted to rescue his fallen comrade from the great depths of this vast mud puddle. But, alas, the great Lt. Col. Harry Potter Hair himself fell victim to the slippery wet soil. Translation to all you military jarheads who are reading this and praying that you find some useful weapons, I am answering your prayers. I recommend throwing mud at the Goa'uld/Wraith/Ori because if it can make Col. Poofy Hair fall flat on his ass, it can take out anyone. But, strangely enough, John's hair didn't move an inch during this fiasco.

Seeing my friends, my teammates, my compadres, my buddies, and my family in need I decided to use my genius to help. So I, THE Dr. Rodney McKay, Ph.D., fell too. Although I do say it was with amazing grace. It was Teyla who saved the day that day. She rescued us from the mud demon with her majestic beauty and sturdiness/

Note to self: too much coffee. Do I have anymore chocolate?

/After the heroic battle with the Mud Puddle From Hell, tired, undefeated, and kinda muddy, we moved forward on our battle to trade things and do that "hey, you fight the Wraith, we fight the Wraith, we should make an alliance" speech. After six hours of walking through mud and planty things we came to investigate a cave. There were ancient, not 'Ancient' as in the race, but as in old things, cave drawings of big… Dirk Diggler would be jealous.

Pictures of said cave drawings would be attached to this very professional report, but Ronon threatened to do me bodily harm when I, in all my intellectual wisdom, told him that there was no way his Chewbacca ape hands were going to touch my brand new camera. Ronon can be incredibly persuasive when threatening your life.

Ronon broke my camera. Elizabeth, may I please have another.

Teyla decided to draw the cave paintings to bring back to Atlantis for the anthropology geeks. Her words, not mine. Maybe she should have told John what those papers were before she was finished drawing on them. He forgot to pack his toilet paper… we all decided that the drawings Teyla made were best left outside of the cave. /

Should I have said something about John copying the drawings onto every inch of my skin? No, then I would have to explain how they became smeared while he was fucking me on the floor of the cave. At least Teyla and Ronon weren't there, that would have been awkward.

/There were other attempts to copy the drawings because we really didn't want to go back there, but they all failed. /

"Dr. Rodney McKay, could ye please come to the infirmary?" God Beckett has a nice voice… nice mouth… nice head, especially when he's trying to compete with John in the hair defying gravity competition. He has nice arms too; he really needs to stop hiding them. "Rodney?" Oops, he's waiting for me to respond.

"Yeah, I'm here. I'll be there when I leave here." Shit, no pants. Pants, pants, where are my pants? Ahhh, I don't need my pants.

I can't believe I didn't see that kiss coming. It's so obvious that John was going to kiss me. The way he looked up at me from his throne of mud. The way John would smack me on the arm and then run away giggling during the hike of hell. The way he stayed really quiet and shy while Teyla, Ronon, and I were arguing. The way he recommended they do recon, leaving us alone. The way he halfheartedly tried to brush the, then drying, mud off of my clothes. Then there was the way he bounced on his heels as he insisted that I get undressed. How he very carefully drew all over my body. The way he licked his lips before he pounced me and smeared the drawings. Great. Now I'm hard.

Who is trying to break open my door? Is it a Wraith? Oh my god, it's a Wraith! He'll never get in. The only way that door is going to open is when I do it.

Or if someone who has the ATA gene thinks really hard. Like the wraith with a short Mohawk who just opened the door. Thank god, it's just Beckett. A syringe wielding Beckett. I love Beckett in way's I can't explain, like the way I love John, but he is scary when he's all 'Doctory'. He's saying something now. Maybe I should focus on listening.

"Rodney… blah blah blah… mud… I'm a Scottish doctor who happens to moonlight as a sex god… narcotic effects… Scott's don't wear anything underneath their kilts…" Carson sure has a sexy voice.

Wait, what? "Scott's don't really wear anything under their kilts? Can I see you in one? Can we pretend John is Scottish and make him wear one too, Dr. Sex God?" he sure is adorable when he blushes. Oooh! He's coming towards me doing the shy smile thing. I can't resist reaching out and touching him.

Ouch. Was that a needle in my...?

--------

"Rodney? Are ye awake luv?"

"Well, I would be asleep if someone wasn't talking to me, asking me stupidly obvious questions." Why was Carson in my room? Why was he there when I'm asleep? Opening my eyes, I realize I'm in the… "infirmary! Why the hell am I in the infirmary Carson?" What the hell is going on.

"Rodney, do you remember anything after you left Atlantis on your last mission?"

Why am I being asked this? I need to do a personal inventory. Fingers - 10, check. Toes - 10, check. Pie to the 10th decimal - 3.141592654, check. All there. So why is Carson asking me about my outstanding memory? What the hell happened on planet dark and rainy? Carson's looking at me like he's waiting for something. Oh yeah, "no."

"From what Teyla told me about your mission to PX-429, it was very dark and raining slightly."

"Slightly? It was pouring! Then it started snowing!" I really love Teyla and all, but her 'positive' outlook on everything is rather annoying.

"Teyla said it didn't start pouring until about three hours after Ronon, John, and yourself fell in the mud. Then it started snowing while ye all were in the cave investigating drawings."

Hey, I remembered something. Why did I forget in the first place? The realization and the questioning must have shown on my face because Carson was quick to continue. "Yes, you did remember something, and I am pretty sure that when all the drugs are out of yer system ye will remember more, maybe all of what happened while under the influence.

Drugs?

"Drugs?" What the hell is going on here? "I remember something about your saying narcotic mud and something about a kilt." Carson's blushing. What the hell did I forget?

"Actually Rodney, you were the one talkin' about wantin' to see me and John in a kilt with nothing on underneath." Carson's blushing more, but he's leering at the same time. Oh my god! I can feel myself blushing. They both would look so good in a kilt. "Rodney, pay attention." Seeing that I am giving him my utmost attention along with a look that would make Sheppard cower, he continues: "there was a chemical in the soil, or more correctly the mud, that had a narcotic effect on the four of ye. It could be compared to smoking a lot of pot after drinking a lot of booze." Carson chuckled. Cute, but I get the feeling it's at my expense. "There wasn't as much of an effect on Teyla as with you, John, and Ronon."

"Why? Is this that whole XX chromosome and ovaries thing? 'Cause that's so not fair." Definitely not fair.

"No, it's more like, well let's use the way you worded it."

Now he's looking at a laptop screen that strangely looks like my laptop… What the hell?

"She rescued us from the mud demon with her majestic beauty and sturdiness." Now Carson's grinning from ear to ear.

Oh shit, now I remember! There was a lot of rain, the cave with the big penises on the walls, John kissing me. John fucking me in the ass while wearing nothing but his dog tag's and combat boots. I also remember trying to write my report in the few hours that Elizabeth gave us so we could shower and rest before the debriefing, but my report turned into some sort of blog where I wrote everything I was thinking.

It was on my laptop. It IS on my laptop, the one that Carson just read from. I am so going to hell. "I… umm… It's all fiction."

Maybe he'll believe me, maybe he won't. Judging by the look on his face, he does not believe me.

"John tried to write his report too, and also like you, wrote down everything he was thinking. Including everything that happened in that cave." oh my god oh my god. "Which he submitted to Elizabeth. And everyone else in Atlantis." Oh my god oh my god oh my god. "Only instead of like a journal, his was a poem."

I, what? "Poem?" How the hell did all this happen? Maybe if I build a time machine… wait, did he write about me?

"Rodney, if you liked my arms and general head area, like John does apparently." Carson's blushing again. "Why didn't you just say so?" What? He's asking me why he never knew I was flirting with him after JOHN AND I FUCKED!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just now entered the twilight zone. Que music!

Ooh, Carson's a good kisser. Oh, he does have a lovely, lovely? Yes lovely mouth.

"Dr. Beckett, are you going to be checking the health of all your patients with your tongue?" Damn John sounds sexy when he does the sing-song voice, only really, really deep. I can tell Carson thinks so too by the way his lips are curving upwards against mine. But he doesn't pull away to answer John, he just shakes his head and wraps his arms around me… and starts to climb in the infirmary bed with me.

John must like that idea because now he's in my bed too, wrapping his arms around me and Carson and kissing my neck…

This is better than coffee and ZPM's, I just hope no one else knows that or I'll never hear the end of it.

Oohh… hands! 


	2. Return to Planet Wet and Rainy

Title: Planet Mud, 2? Return to planet wet and rainy.

Author: Jakisbishlygay

Rating: not even R... PG-13?

Characters: Rodney/Carson?Sheppard, Teyla, Wier, Maj. Lorne, Ronon, blah blah blah

Length: 1651

Spoilers: Nothing

Warning: This is the second installment of my crack!fic series. And it's SLASH

Beta: Penny Slade, I love you!

Disclamer: I don't own them... If I did, I would be making them wrestle in pudding... yummm

Return to planet wet and rainy.

Elizabeth Weir sighed as Lt. Col. Sheppard and his team stepped through the gate followed by Dr. Beckett and Major Lorne and his team. She knew it was going to end badly, but retrieving some of the soil, or more importantly, finding the narcotic enzyme in the mud from PX-492 was a priority. It has been three interesting weeks since Carson had the opportunity to discover, after Ronon leapt off the center spire in a valiant attempt to fly only to land on the balcony on the next level, that the mud from PX-492 had medicinal properties.

Ronon then attempted to climb back up the tower with a broken ankle and a dislocated leg with no outward signs of pain, right in front of the main control room. Needless to say, he was taken to the infirmary where Carson set his leg and foot with no pain medication, which wasn't even needed because he was obviously already on something that had him high as a kite and feeling only slight irritation.

Then John's mission poem arrived. Elizabeth knew that John had been Mathematics major with a minor in English, but she had no idea he could be that sexually graphic yet make it sound like it came from Shakespeare himself. She had no idea that he would do that. People were still taping copies of it on every door, hallway, window, and especially on the desks of John, Rodney, and Carson. No issues came up though; it was mysteriously deleted from the mainframe two days before the Deadalus was in communication's range. And the entire time Col. Caldwell and his crew were in Atlantis, not a word of it was mentioned. At least until the Deadalus left, then it was back to catcalls and John biting into a turkey sandwich only to find his poem folded up inside.

It was the poem that cinched the deal. Colonel Sheppard's team was definitely on something. When Sgt. Stackhouse went to retrieve the colonel from his quarters he found him sitting on his bed, wearing absolutely nothing, typing a resignation letter reasoning that the military commander should not only use, but own a comb and recommending that Jack Skelington be the new mayor of the Atlantis cabaret. When Stackhouse tried to convince him to come to the infirmary and be check out by Carson… Stackhouse only informed her, as he turned bright red and stared at the floor that the colonel seemed quite happy at the mention of seeing Carson, spit into his palm and started doing something inappropriate. Stackhouse seemed relieved when Elizabeth asked him not to mention this event, ever. John seemed relieved, and incredibly red, a day later when the official report was handed to him with one line defining his team's actions: unusual drug induced behavior that in no way disrupted the lives of those on this base.

It was a lie, Teyla, although not as exposed as the others, was a bit of a handful. Elizabeth was unable to get a straight answer from Dr. Zelenka on what happened exactly. Just that he had a hickey the size of a grapefruit; in fact, it mirrored the one that Elizabeth was hiding with a lot of makeup and her shirt collar…

So here she is, watching the gate's connection disengage, and praying that they keep the damn biohazard suits on. Elizabeth simply cannot handle walking in on John, Rodney, and Carson sharing the same bed again. The one time in the infirmary was enough, although, she did have to admit that it was interesting seeing John and Carson leap out of Rodney's bed , leaving Rodney confused and obviously aroused. Maybe it was what John and Carson were doing to him that made him not hear her cough, made him snark at his soon to be lovers that they should keep touching him in an inappropriate manner. Elizabeth unsuccessfully tried to suppress a snort at the memory of John and Carson trying to get him to shut him up. It would have worked if Rodney wasn't Rodney.

---------

Rodney didn't like the idea of coming back to the planet that caused psychedelic mission reports. The planet hadn't changed from the last time they were there; only, it was raining harder and there was more wind, but with the biohazard suits it wasn't so wet. Rodney was bored and slightly nervous, but mostly bored. Rodney's idea of science did not include going to some backwater alien mud planet in an alien galaxy when he could be on another planet investigating some Ancient devices or in Atlantis doing the same. Anything would be a better contribution to science then taking two steps forward, bending down to swab some mud, putting said mud into a baggie, and placing the baggie in the case or backpack. This does not require the most brilliant mind in two galaxies. This doesn't even require the experience of the Chief Medical Officer. And why would anyone think the Commanding Military Officer was supposed to do this? Rodney comes to the conclusion that this is a job for flunkies.

Maybe the mission wouldn't have been so bad if they were just allowed to get some samples and go home. But no, Elizabeth saw this as an opportunity to properly document the phallic paint by numbers cave.

At an occurrence of about every thirty seconds, John, Rodney, and Carson all think they would rather be in bed, with each other and very naked. Something had to go wrong. It's the law of the all great Murphy. Something that would keep the three lovers from their nice warm, sticky, wrinkled sheets…

Major Lorne was the first to show signs that maybe his biohazard suit had a hole in it. It might have been the way he recited various Dr. Sues limericks, each followed by a giggle fit that set off other team members, or maybe the way he grabbed Ronon's ass. Carson made a mental note to personally check all biohazard suits before anyone wore them ever again. When Lorne was finally convinced by a screaming McKay that he had in fact become affected, he simply looked at his commanding officer and said "Now I get why you're always arguing with him. He's hot when he's pissed!"

Really, the colonel should have reacted better, or at least less of a teenage girl who was sensing a cheerleader on her territory. "You stay away from my man or I'll pull rank on you major! I don't care if you went on missions with SG-1! You stay away Marcus." The glare John sent him would make an Ancient run for cover. Unfortunately, Maj. Lorne is nowhere near as smart as an Ancient. This might be why the punch that followed the colonel's threat was met by a smirking face.

This was not John's best moment. Maybe it was a relapse. Carson considered that the mud could have somehow gotten into their suits, either they were all damaged, or the synthetic material couldn't stop the mud from hell as Rodney so eloquently named it. Carson prayed that he would get infected just so he wouldn't have to explain to Dr. Weir why the mission he suggested went to hell in less than three hours.

The only thought that passed through Rodney's head was that he liked it when John got jealous.

Sheppard and Lorne were finally separated. Actually, Rodney ripped his and John's protective hood's off and kissed him. Lorne just started giggling again perched on, or more accurately in, the mud. Lorne's team tried to get him to stop giggling and help him up, only when he tried to grip his teammate's hands; he pulled off their gloves and ripped their suits before accidentally pulling them face first to the ground. This was going to be a long mission.

"I believe we should return to Atlantis and begin the detox procedures". When all Teyla received from John was a "humph" as Rodney was still attached to his face she continued. "Sir, you, Dr. McKay, Maj. Lorne, and the rest of his team have been exposed to the soil containing the narcotic substance." Seeing that John was now ignoring her, she said, in a voice that meant 'would you just listen to me, you know I'm right asshole,' the only thing that could get him moving. "Sir, unless you want to write another poem I suggest we leave."

This got John's full attention. This however caused Carson to double over only to fall in the mud laughing. It seems Carson's prayers were answered; he would not be the one to explain this. Carson's laughter subsided only when Rodney and John, ever so delicately, hauled him from the ground, each placing one of Carson's arms over their shoulders, and started dragging Carson in the general direction of the 'gate.

Ronon assumes that this sudden sobering of his male teammates was due to the sudden realization that they would not be treated by the good doctor, but by the very angry doctor with the tight bun with a tendency to perform overenthusiastic rectal exams. Ronon silently prayed those who showed signs of being exposed to the drug would take all of her time and attention, he saw her enough in his stint in the infirmary, while Carson was preoccupied with his new lovers.

The way to the Stargate was being led by Col. Sheppard and Dr. McKay, who were practically running, carrying a still giggling Dr. Beckett. Mjr. Lorne and his team were close behind with Ronon to their left. Teyla fell behind so she could keep an eye on all of the others, making sure none of them strayed off course. She was becoming very irritated.

TBC

So, did you like it? Please review!

They make me so happy (and tell me if I should continue or just stop.)


	3. OMG, its the doctor from hell!

OMG It's the doctor from hell!

Beta'd by the wonderful ailurophile6 and re-beta'd by Crow

Elizabeth realized that today was going to be filled with sighs as she sighed once more upon seeing the team's early return. Covered head to toe in mud and the majority missing essential sections of their protective gear. She tried to glare at the soldiers in the gate room who were snickering at their commanding officer and the others, but she failed, quite miserably. Seeing that Dr. Lewis was already ushering them to the infirmary, her bun as tight as ever, Elizabeth assumed that she had been waiting for them to return. The look on John's face showed great displeasure.

--------

"_Cant you at least warm your hands?" _ Rodney's piercing voice could be heard all theway from the transporter. "_Carson! I want you to fire this woman! Now!"_ Rodney had become accustomed to Carson performing all the post-mission checkups. Apparently this was the first time he had encountered Dr. Lewis, he didn't know that complaining only made it funnier… err, worse.

Although vociferous, Dr. Lewis' voice showed no signs of shouting. "Dr. McKay, the lubricant will warm up. If you would stop clenching this will be over soon." Rodney's response was a strangled whimper that was obviously made through clenched teeth.

All of the nurses and doctors that Elizabeth could see were turning purple from trying not to laugh by holding their breath. The returning team's faces, all but Teyla and Maj. Lorne's second in command Sarah, were white lipped with fear.

"John, do ye think she'll go easy on me if I give her a raise before I go in there?" Elizabeth felt sorry for the man, last week this whole level heard Carson giving her a verbal reprimand for neglecting the comfort of the patients.

"I won't let the scary lady hurt you buddy!" Any assumption that John was unaffected went out the window at this point. But, alas, he didn't stop there. "It's too late for Pookie, but you Snookie, I can save."

John's men looked at him in horror. John didn't notice; he was too busy patting Carson's hair down, only to reshape it back into its standard Mohawk like form.

Rodney exited the curtain and was led to a vacant bed, slightly limping and going from one shade of red to the next in a never-ending cycle…

"Beckett, you're next!" bellowed the voice of the fear instilling medical torturer from the other side of the still closed curtain. Dr. Lewis sounded like it was Christmas morning and she knew she had been a good girl.

Carson shuddered and slowly walked towards the curtain.

Ronon watched as Carson slowly approach the curtain, a look of pity and mourning of a lost soldier on his features

Teyla was holding down John as he began to shout. "_You keep your abnormally large fingers out of my boyfriend's ass! Isn't it bad enough that you damaged Rodney?"_ Teyla had to hold both his arms behind his back; she wondered briefly how to shut him up before he said in a defeated voice; "Now I'm not gonna fit in Rodney _or_ Carson as snugly. I like it tight."

Elizabeth noticed one of Carson's nurses, Mary, going towards John with a Game Boy in her hand. Everyone in the room either looked away or closed their eyes tightly to keep from laughing as John graciously accepted the Game Boy. _"OOOOHHH! KIRBY!"_

John proceeded to jump up and down in his excitement.

There was a shriek from behind the curtain followed by Carson running out holding up his muddy pants, a look of horror on his face. Mary led him to a bed near Rodney's, but Carson ignored her and climbed next to Rodney in his bed.

"Sheppard!" bellowed Dr. Lewis.

John skipped to the curtain, never taking his eyes off Kirby. "Ooh! I just won 200 points!"

--------

Teyla sighed in amusement as she watched Zelenka bounce around his lab, happily taking over for Dr. McKay, after all, yelling and insulting people is a great stress reliever. Although she is amused, Teyla wishes to once again go off world with her team. Col. Sheppard and Dr. McKay currently being held in the infirmary for detox meant she had much time to spend on the mainland with her people, but a week of being on one planet caused her to grow restless.

She could have always gone off world with Ronon, Elizabeth would have allowed a two-person team for some missions, but Ronon was too busy sitting at Maj. Lorne's bedside. A brief memory passed through her mind of walking in on Ronon giving Lorne a sponge bath. Smirking to herself, Teyla discretely approached Radek from behind and licked his neck.

"Shall we invite Elizabeth to lunch in my quarters?" A single eyebrow rising as Teyla spoke provocatively. Seeing Radek's vigorous nodding, Teyla grabbed Radek and was out the door and radioing Elizabeth in 5 seconds flat.

--------

Two weeks had passed since the return to PX-420 and there has been no change in the narcotic state of those affected by the mud.

"It's as if they are still covered in it," said Dr. Lewis. "I gave them all thorough body searches; there is no mud on them."

"Yes, Doctor, we were there for five of those searches. " Elizabeth fought the urge to cringe at '_thorough_'. It didn't work. "How could this be happening? Is the narcotic substance actually present in their blood or is it just in their heads?"

"The traces of the enzyme in the last tests this morning are the same as when they were first tested two weeks ago. We are trying to figure out if it is somehow being reintroduced somehow, or if it is just a build up from the last time they were there." Dr. Lewis looked unsure of her words even as she spoke them.

Teyla gently began to speak. "I highly doubt it is a case of it 'building up' in their systems. Maj. Lorne and his team, along with Dr. Beckett, have never been to PX-420 before. Therefore, they would not be going through the same detox process as Col. Sheppard and Dr. McKay. Correct?" Unsure of her statement, Teyla looked to her lovers for reassurance.

Only Ronon and Dr. Heightmeyer noticed the small smiles that Elizabeth and Radek sent to Teyla.

"I think Miss Emmagan is correct. It seems highly logical that they are being reintroduced to the substance somehow. Have monitoring procedures been put into effect?" Hermiod spoke as he always does: like he is talking to children.

"You think someone is poisoning them?" Radek's expression shows how appalled he is at the notion. "Who in Atlantis would do such a thing?"

"Well, we will just have to find out won't we?" Elizabeth's voice was stern, yet her eyes were unsure.

--------

Elizabeth sat with Teyla and Sgt. Stackhouse as they watched the infirmary footage of all seven people; eight actually, since Ronon was asleep in the chair next to Lorne's unconscious yet still giggling body. Stackhouse tried in vain to suppress his laughter every time he glanced at the screen showing Sheppard, Beckett, and McKay forming a blob of moving blanket. They were awake and doing something under the sheets.

Elizabeth, being tired of the awkward silence, decided to lighten the mood, or at least get a good laugh. "At least we can't hear what they're doing."

Both Teyla and Stackhouse gave her the most incredulous stares before laughing hysterically.

The laughter died down and they saw it. Dr. Kavanagh sneaking into the infirmary, in his hands: a Rubbermaid container full of mud. They watched in shock as he went to each of their beds and placed a small dab on the inside of their ankles. It looked as if he was pressing it into their skin then moving onto the next and doing the same. When he got to the last person, he went back to the first and wiped off the evidence.

"Security, pick up Dr. Kavanagh on his way back to his quarters and put him into holding cell 'Steve'." Stackhouse said into his radio, his voice full of wonder.

--------

"Dr. Kavanagh, what possessed you to drug not only your boss, but the Commanding Military officer, Chief Medical Officer, and four soldiers?" rage was evident in Elizabeth's voice. It would be pointless to say she was a bit pissed, wouldn't it?

"I, umm, it's none of your business." Kavanagh said, being difficult as usual, sticking his nose in the air.

"I think the reason for your treason is the business of everyone in this room." Insisted Col. Cadwell.

Lowering his head and speaking quieter than a whisper, Kavanagh spoke. "Miko."

Elizabeth's eyebrows shot to her forehead. One thought ran through her mind: What the fuck? "What the fuck?" She hadn't meant to say it, but no one objected, they were wondering the same.

Dr. Kavanagh spoke louder this time; "When McKay is there, she is always at his heels, waiting for something 'brilliant'. When Zelenka is in charge and McKay's gone, she sometimes looks at me." Kavanagh is smiling now. "She pretends she's looking at the whiteboard, but I know she's looking at me."

"You're one sick fuck." Everyone turned to look at Radek, but Radek being mini-fuzzy-McKay didn't even notice. "She not looking at you, shit for brain, she looking at equations on **WHITEBOARD**! You make Rodney high so that I can be in charge of incompetent people just so you can molest Dr. Miko with your beady little eyes!"

Teyla arched a puzzled eyebrow as Radek stormed out of Steve's room screaming in Czech.

Tbc


End file.
